After the Ides of March

I was going to write about all my feelings around this last week in New Zealand. 

But if you follow me on facebook, Instagram or Twitter, or stumble across me in comments on news items, you will know very succinctly how I feel; I feel just like the rest of you. Unless you are someone called something like Aron, Derek or Ryan with a fb profile full of guns and army fatigues. Pro tip- never argue with these people. It’s a waste of your intelligence; you will become stupider with more contact.

So, wiping myself down with sanitising cloths after emerging from the sewers of social media (funny how you trip into them unwittingly and then have to try and claw your way up out of a slippery siding), I will tell you a little more about my residency and how that is going.

Dunedin proves to be more beautiful every day, despite some students being totally unaware that being a Tidy Kiwi keeps it that way. My husband took to brushing up broken glass and rubbish in our little street and it looks much better for it. I think he may have guilted the Young and the Feckless into following suit, because it has remained almost spotless for a few days now. By the time we leave here in August, the students will have run out of money for takeaways and beer and be deep in work they should have done in the first semester. It will be very quiet. Bless. 

I have visited Hoiho: yellow eyed penguins and Tunnel Beach and marvelled in the stunning coastline. Taken a trip to the quirky and fascinating Museum of Natural Mystery, The Otago Museum, gone to music performances at The Marama Hall and of course quite a few new favorite coffee spots with fellow writers and visiting friends... and the odd bar or two. I am pacing myself, because I don't want it all to run out before I go. It won't of course, Dunedin has a myriad of things on and I am entertained daily. It would be easy to forget what I'm down here for. 

So, how's that novel going, part two.

With a new project, I find, there is the standing around the edge of it, peering over the side, stepping back and going away to think about it a bit more. Like a high diving platform. Summoning up the courage to commit, because once you do, there is no going back and everything else is a distraction you really don’t need, in case you hit your head on the board. I can report my diving is not up to Olympic or even national standard. I got my bathers wet and have to work on my technique. Let’s call it a shitty first dive. But there are parts of it I like very much, so I’ll keep going, because that’s what this time is all about. I can report I have also, as part of what is turning into a graphic novel of sorts, drawn a lot of rats. I have saved one as my instagram profile to ward off the requests from 'Single Dad, Ohio' (aka, scammer with a laptop and Western Union account for me to pour money into) to get to know me better. I don't think they will be able to in all seriousness say 'Hi Beautiful'. Unless they have a thing for rodents.

I’m still sketching people. Here’s one I did on Friday 15^th March, in the morning, before the Christchurch Mosque massacre and the rosy tint fell from our happily deluded glasses. The Ides of March.

I was at an iDFashion talk by Kate Sylvester and was fascinated by this birdlike lady in designer clothes in the audience. I wote something. 

Kate talked about Francis Hodgkins, inspiration and sustainability.

The tiny woman fell forward, caught herself, fell again.

Narcolepsy?

She was unsustained. By the talk. By food.

The WORLD at her feet, fashion forward, modelling Twiggy of her youth.

Fashion just could not hold her up.

Hows that novel coming along?

On Saturday I will have been here a month.

The burning question is‘ So how’s that novel coming along?’

The truth is, I find myself thrown back into my Masters at the IIML, when having been accepted with a brilliant submission, I got there and found my ideas ran off like disobedient terriers. I went through an angst filled period of self loathing, resignation that I was totally useless, a complete fraud and was not worthy. 

Then I got down to writing.

It takes a while to settle into a place before the muse can be given free reign (my story and I’m sticking to it). Every day seems distracted by something that takes me away from my IMPORTANT work. Things I didn’t finish in Wellington before I left. Getting a Residents Parking permit, so further fines are avoided. Tell me, why does every student on George, Titan and Great King Street own a vehicle? When I was a poor student, I sensibly lived at home and used my parents car, and all their petrol whilst receiving a standard tertiary bursary. Kids these days…privileged much (joking here).

Then there is meeting up with other artists, writers and going to check out the museums and libraries. And St Clair Salt water pool until it closes with daylight saving. ID Fashion this week, French film Festival the next. So busy! So much to see and do. A thousand ways to avoid writing.

But still, walking everyday to my office across the North Ground green, through the University, along the Leith. Watching students, listening to conversations whilst pretending to look at my phone. Realising YA doesn’t always mean 15 year old at school. Can be an 18 year old school leaver. Back in my day we left school at 16 most often. What is a YA audience anyway except for a yarn intended to absorb anyone over the age of 12?

And drawing.

One of the things I decided when I was coming down was that my sketchbook was getting thin on drawings and I had lost the urge to doodle. Part of this is because I no longer feel the need to sketch something from life, because I’m a practised illustrator. So why fill up a diary with studies of fruit and suchlike? I know how to draw them and doing more bores me. The other reason to draw was to nut out designs for clients. I don’t have a client down here, I AM the client. So I bought a brown paper sketchbook (to challenge my tonality) and decided to fill it with whimsey and humour during my time here. If I draw something I have give it a different spin.

I thought I was just amusing myself, but the revelation to me today, was that this is an integral part of my project. Not these particular drawings as such, but the way I’m interpreting the world around me. My proposed project includes diary sketches and a fundamentally different view of life from my protagonist. 

Every new thing I am experiencing here is feeding my work. From losing my keys down the lift well at the College of Ed, visiting Bruce Mahalski and his Museum of Natural Mystery (and coming away with bones), to chortling at the blatantly naughty signage on scarfie student flats.

And sitting in the Student Hub today, I did what has always worked for me best when writing. I got out lined paper, a pen and started. And it’s filling me with that certain excitement that other writers will know…the one that has you wriggling about with delight. Because you are on your way.

So how’s that novel going Fifi? I can report today, that it’s going just fine.

PS- if you want to check out my sketches, follow me on instagram or facebook.

And here is Smaug of the lift shaft, waiting for my keys.

Writer in Residence- the inside oil!

Writer in Residence…it conjures up a Roald Dahlesque picture does it not? In an overstuffed threadbare armchair, crocheted rug over the knees (granny squares 101) with a leather bound desk (spotted with ink, and bearing the scratch marks of an author’s unpublished despair). Stabbing furiously at a typewriter (Olivetti Leterra 25). The residence is an orangerie circa 1922 with wooden framing, glassed panes: some slightly cracked from the insistent tapping of the peach trees outside, on a warm Francophilean day.

I am, for my sins- it pays to have some apparently, The Otago Children’s Writer in Residence for 2019.

Not France, but charming and endearing all the same. My Olivetti is a keyboard from Jaycar Electronics, hooked up to multiple screens and powered with a Microsoft Surface Pro- bought with my winnings from a World of WearableArt entry. My chair is College of Education standard issue, the desk too, with a set of draws which boasts a small selection of stationery (rumour has it there is a stationery cupboard from which one might help oneself, should a freelancer who has paid for this stuff all her career be so bold. Be still my beating and astounded heart!).

I have photocopier privileges. The residence is on the 4^th floor, a room with a view of the Forsyth Barr Stadium and the Leith. There is a sign on the door ‘Children’s Writer in Residence’ and one might expect to slide it open a crack and see a woman with a multi coloured wig throwing words in the air and catching them in teacups, for further wetting of the literary whistle.

If you peeked in at me, you would find instead, a small woman with ashy hair, a room taken over with drawing board, paints, brushes, paper and skeletal models of characters made from wire and clay. There’s an Otago Uni branded keep cup and a thick wad of manuscript that has yet to find a home. YA rejections, trending to the max. It’s looking at me askance whilst I work on a new project. Sorry Wild Cards, you were so the last 10 years of my life. Let’s take a break whilst I dally with a newer, more exciting diversion, one that takes me out to dinner and pays the bill.

Having this much sought after and prestigious position comes with the weight of expectation. Mostly, actually, entirely from myself. Am I worthy? Is my project up to it? Can I deliver anything? If I do, will it ever be published. Publish or Perish, is the academic’s motto is it not? Myself and many writing colleagues perish on a yearly basis on that premise alone, such is the fickle industry we have chosen to align ourselves with. We resurrect ourselves again and again.

The reality is, though, published or not, this 6 months is whatever I make of it. The point of writing is writing. 

So, to keep myself honest to my proposal (which gives me more than a frisson of excitement when I look at it), I’ve decided to blog weekly, about my experience here, What it is to be a Writer in Residence, and how it will impact my work. I've survived O Week, settled into my new surroundings and I’ll start by thanking Creative New Zealand, Otago University and the College of Education for the opportunity and the late Robert Lord for the cottage I'm living in. 

Chur!

To be continued… (and no, I didn’t wake up to find it was all a dream)

Last Post

Hi all,

I’ve written a lot of blog posts here over the years, pouring put my thoughts and feelings, sweating over my grammar and writing style. I think I probably always secretly hoped that it would be picked up and I would get a regular column/following. It didn't! But I average 4000 post views a month- mostly for free templates I've put up.

Blogging was fantastic in its day, and there are many I still follow. Maureen Crisp’s Craic-er excellent links on writing, Melinda Syzmanik’s I Should be Writing, for when I need a fellow author to articulate how tough this children’s book industry is and feel not so alone, Jane Bloomfield’s Truth is Stranger Than Fiction  which is funny, irreverent and really should be more widely circulated, and of course Emily Writes Mama Said , she is the Chuck Wendig of motherhood- everything I wanted to say and was too afraid to... and I am not easily terrified. She makes me lol, which apparently is such an old hat expression, I am showing my age.

There are many more besides that I read and get a laugh/information/inspiration from, but the blogosphere has changed for me as a medium.

When I first started, it was all about being able to have a say, somewhere people might ‘hear’it. It's so hard to get published and it was such an instant medium, I was instantly gratified. I think that was true for a long time. But as Facebook, Instagram and twitter have taken over, so have my means of self-expression. I adore Facebook- I post on my personal page (no sorry you can’t join me there unless I know you very well) on everything from the weather, our cat’s antics and my horror at various international politics.

But I do I post on my public page  about my art, useful links to things I like and events I’m involved with (yes, please like me there!). I am getting to grips with Instagram.  I tweet because you are supposed to as an author, but really just go there to get breaking news. I have a LinkedIn profile, but rarely go there- it’s a bit dry for me and it keep suggesting jobs for me like CEO of manufacturing companies (how can their algorithms be so out?) Pinterest is a fantastic resource and I put some of my wearable art and various crafts up there. I also have many secret boards for inspiration. I am, at heart, a squirrel. 

So I have a few bases covered.

So, this blog, as a means for my news, opinions and brags, is kind of redundant. In the spring I’ll revamp it so it becomes a dedicated website for seeing my portfolio and services. You will still be able to access my old blog posts. I think I’ve grown as a writer since my first post 11 years ago. 

Certainly, now I have glasses.

See you in other media J

Creative New Zeal (sorry can't afford the land)

The latest round of funding from Creative New Zealand has been apportioned out and once again, my chapeau, though in the ring, was not picked up to grace New Zealand arts with my marvellous talent.

This is not an unusual state of affairs and in the children's book world a common one. At the last conference we had, Tessa Duder read out the funding stats. Because I never take notes, I can't give you them, but suffice to say if all arts funding is seen as a pie and literature gets half a Weightwatchers size slice, then children's book authors in that slice get a teaspoon taster and illustrators get what amounts to homeopathic filling; the hint of money watered down until it is just a memory of the smell of a dollar in a bottle of alcohol. No wonder we drink.

I needed some help to go to The Illustration Masterclass in the USA. I asked for $5000 to cover the course fees and airfares. I asked a friend who works in a completely different sector (not the arts) to help me with it and when she read the funding guide, this is what she had to say. 

"I had a look on the funding applications on the Creative NZ website last night. Good grief they are awful. For a grant of $7,500 there’s a 33 page guide on how to fill them in the form!!

I’m currently putting in an application for $25k funding. It’s a one page doc that may require a second detailed application that would be no more than 2 pages plus a budget. The instructions amount to 3 paragraphs on their website. I could apply for $200k by extending my application by a page.

The CNZ website has a very patronising tone as well hasn’t it? “You will not be eligible if you haven’t cleaned your teeth this morning! Have you made your bed and cleaned your paint brushes? Hmm??”  So I can see why you are frustrated by it."

But still, she went through it and gave me some advice. I am a professional artist and writer, not a professional administrator like her, so I was grateful for the help.

I sent in my proposal backed up with support letters about my worthiness from 4 different bodies and an invitation to speak at a Boston University and a detailed budget. These applications take a week or more to write and coordinate, and if you don't put exactly the right amount of printed copies together in the right order, your application is deemed ineligible. It is the very finest art of bureaucracy. 

Now, I am not saying my application was any more worthy than anyone elses; I'm pleased for anyone who got anything- these applications are like pulling teeth and we all sweat blood over them. I guess what I am trying to say to anyone reading this, is that as freelancers, we writers and illustrators aren't sent by our publishers to upskill, like those in the salaried workplace. When I mentioned the word conference before- we organised it ourselves and paid for it ourselves, to keep our professional practice up to date. To many of you not in the arts, this must seem astonishing. I'm amazed myself all the time, that something keeps me here, plugging away. I think it's the generosity of my family; they are all hoping that one day I'll strike it big and become the next best seller. If I ghost write an All Black Recipe book, I might just do it. It will be called Mehrtens Muffins. I think that has pick up appeal don't you?

As far as I know, nobody ever shares their CNZ proposals. Perhaps because they are scared that should CNZ get a whiff of them elsewhere, they will be shoved in a box labelled 'DO NOT FUND THIS F*CKWIT' and be forever doomed to writing books about poo that seem to sell so well at the Warehouse (sorry public, these are crap books, you have no taste or respect for your children's education and moral fibre. The writer just wanted to earn a sleazy buck).

So- for the amusement and edification of you all, here is my application. I even did appendices. I think that's worth somnething don't you?

Project Proposal

 

I am seeking funding  from Creative New Zealand to contribute to the costs of international professional development for my full time work as a visual artist by attending an Illustration Master Class at Amherst University (MA, USA) and giving a lecture at Lesley University in nearby Cambridge MA. Funding for this is available as outlined in section 3.9.1 of the Creative New Zealand Funding Guide.

There are no comparable Illustration Master Classes opportunities in New Zealand. The tutors I particularly wish to work with in a special topics group are Brian and Wendy Froud, for their experience in film concept and costume design which sits well with my own focus of Wearable Art and costume illustration for the film industry. Brian Froud's art was an early influence on my book illustration work when I was an art and design student at tertiary level. The Frouds do not visit New Zealand and rarely teach at master classes outside of the U.K. (appendix A: Brian Froud)

I have worked as a visual communicator and illustrator through the medium of books, film and performance/show since 1980. This opportunity is important for my career development as a practicing artist, illustrator, touring educator and workshop presenter in the arts in New Zealand, particularly as it relates to young people. I will be able to focus on producing a series of illustration works using new taught techniques which in turn I will be able to pass on through my workshops in New Zealand. The professional networking will be invaluable, as the roll call of tutors at The IMC only gather together as a group in this one location for this particular intensive. (appendix B)

The tutors cover a full range of disciplines from film concept illustration to the graphic novel. This is a residential, hands on, full immersion master class for the experienced illustration artist and there is nothing like it in New Zealand. I will be the only New Zealand artist to attend and look forward to sharing my work and experience in the New Zealand arts with the other participants.

I have also been invited to speak at Lesley University Creativity Commons (MA) (appendix C)  on the subject of creative practice in New Zealand, particularly as it relates to working with young people. This is an opportunity for me to promote our visual arts and how we teach this within the educational and public communities through the likes of The Book Council (Writers in Schools) and the Storylines Festival.

In my past 33 years as a full time working visual communicator, I have covered a range of artistic disciplines as evidenced by my CV (attached), and a fundamental part of my core practice is to encourage and support young people to participate in the arts, which ultimately benefits all New Zealanders. I believe this fits well with the desired outcome of Creative New Zealand as defined by  section 4, Arts Council of New Zealand Toi Aotearoa Act 1994

Wellington Children's Book Association Illustration Workshop :  50 adult participants

Writer/Artist in Schools/ Library visits/ Museum lectures for 2014 (based on 2013 figures):  1950 primary and secondary students,  580 emergent visual and textile artists, 180 practicing visual and textile (international and local) artists

Total projected minimum reach nationally and internationally for 2014:  2970 individuals

I am hoping that Creative New Zealand will find this meets with a favorable ROI.

Fifi Colston

Appendices

 (appendix A) Froud was the conceptual designer and costume designer for the films The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth (both in conjunction with Jim Henson's Creature Shop). He collaborated with Terry Jones, who was a screenwriter on Labyrinth, on The Goblins of the Labyrinth and subsequently on a number of non-Labyrinth-related books about fairies and goblins, namely of the "Lady Cottington" series. He has also worked with American writer Ari Berk on more recent books, including Goblins and "The Runes of Elfland", and produced art books such as Good Faeries/Bad Faeries. One of his most famous art books, Faeries, produced in collaboration with Alan Lee, was the basis of a 1981 animated feature of the same name. (Source: Wikipaedia)

(appendix B) 'A large part of our students body every year consists of professionals seeking to try new things within their technique, meet other artists, network with art directors who come for portfolio review and simply spend the week getting even better at the thing that they love to do most: ART!
Past students/attendees have gone on to forge into amazing places within their area of illustration and work with wonderful companies, writers and directors like Wizards of the Coast, Jane Yolen, Cassandra Clare and Guillermo del Toro.'  (source: Illustration Master Class website)

(appendix C)  Lesley University: The Cambridge Creativity Commons engages Cambridge public school students and teachers in imagination and exploration of ideas that matter and creation of interdisciplinary projects in and through the arts. The Cambridge Creativity Commons (CCC) offers programs in a “creative lab” model to encourage cross-disciplinary collaboration among teachers, artists, scientists and students to facilitate creativity. Founded on the principle that every child is creative, and that this ability can be developed in environments where creative processes are practiced, the CCC works with CPS teachers and OST staff to develop new approaches to teaching and learning through meaningful, creative programming that integrates arts and sciences curriculum. The CCC serves East Cambridge students in grades 1-8, primarily from the Kennedy-Longfellow Elementary and Putnam Avenue Upper schools, as well as out-of-school programs, at no cost to the district or the students.

The CCC has emerged as a distinctive creative program in Cambridge under the guidance of its Partners Advisory Board: Dave & Doffie Arnold, the Cambridge Community Foundation, the Cambridge Public Schools (CPS), the Cambridge Arts Council, and Lesley University’s Creativity Commons and College of Art & Design.

Show him the money!!!

 

I generally keep my political opinions to myself and my friends, but on this occasion I cannot be quiet about how sad, angry and horrified I am about the closure of Learning Media. Our Government seems to know the price of everything and the value of nothing. 'Show me the money!' is the exhortation. The primary reason for Learning Media's existence (formerly School Publications) in the first place was to provide educational resources to New Zealand territories, not chase international markets and distribution in a profit making capacity. I'm sorry but an ROI is not necessarily measured in dollar terms.

Bill English says Learning Media is not financially viable anymore. I'm barely financially viable myself after work has been stripped away systematically from my career path. Advertising agencies losing government work = no illustration and design work, TVNZ's Good Morning Show moving to Auckland in a scaled down version of it's former self = no TV work. Learning Media closing down = no writing and illustration work. And that's just me, never mind the hundreds of other writers, illustrators, designers and TV production people out there. In 2011 the RH Paula Bennett said in relation to the arts:

'Now's no time to be thinking about a dream job.'
"This Government's priority is getting people off welfare and into work and right now that means get a job, any job because that's the first step to a better job." 

I'm sorry, how exactly is shutting down Learning Media getting people off welfare and into work?  At 53 years old with two tertiary degrees and 33 years of hard work forging a career for myself, I am not interested in having a 'dishy' job at $14 per hour, working alongside my son in a local cafe. We are hardly going to pay off his student loan like that now are we?

So, Mr English. What do you propose we all do in this latest slash and burn? Retrain? Sorry we can't get financial assistance to do that under the new rules. Work in elder care? What don't YOU wipe 90 year old bottoms? You've already wiped the floor with us.

For more on Learning Media's demise read Mandy's blog here:

Blown off Course- creative adventuring

from The Silver Thimble Story Book by Rie Cramer

I was asked to speak at the NZLA conference this past week and I wondered what direction I'd take. I decided upon 'Blown off Course; diverting adventures in Children's Literature.'  I wanted to impress upon people how a small girl encouraged in reading and expressing herself both through words and pictures could end up on a myriad of creative paths, often by accident. 

At five years old, I was all set to be a nun (inspired by the Sound of Music) but realised that a) I was not Catholic and b) I would not necessarily be allowed to wear makeup, jewellery and great frocks. I had to rethink my career. At this time I had in my possession (and still do) The Silver Thimble Storybook by RieCramer; retellings of Hans Christian Anderson tales with exquisite illustrations.  I copied these drawing again and again to see how they were done- and it was the first book I can remember reading 'All by myself'. My parents also provided me and my sisters with weekly comics and annuals. I learned to read and interpret visual and written text through the English editions of Robin, Bunty and June. 

I drew and made things all the time as a kid; it was a place of comfort for me, and by the time I was in high school I knew I wanted to be an artist, but didn't want starve in a garret- I wanted to be rich and famous. So on leaving college I went to Wellington Polytech Design School where I majored in illustration and advertising. I was all set to go to Auckland and be a junior art director in a flash advertising agency and make lots of money but instead I fell in love and followed my heart, not my plan and moved to Christchurch. 

I couldn't get a job anywhere- the old case of not enough work experience for the cool jobs and too creative for the uncool jobs. So I went freelancing. I did a bunch of piddly jobs, including illustrating water wings for dogs and designing posters for friends. I knocked on doors, talked to every designer and illustrator in town, took my portfolio to ad agencies repeatedly. Luckily I was young and cute so the art directors didn't mind giving me the time of day. I was broke but looked good in op shop chic.

Just when I was about to give up and get a sales job at Whitcoulls, a copywriter from What Now called and asked if I would like to art direct a club magazine. (I had been doing a few graphics for the programme). My motto is that if something is offered that is above your skill set, then someone has offered it because they see your potential. So say yes. You'll learn on the job.I art directed, illustrated and sent things off to print on that mag for 2 years until they ran out of budget. Then the producer asked if I'd like to do art and craft spots on the show (because of all the arts and crafts bits I did in the mag) and I said..yes. I'd never done work to a camera before and there was plenty to learn. That became 7 years of regular TV spots. In that time I had 2 babies, tutored design and illustration at Christchurch Polytechnic, illustrated children's books and did lots of illustration for advertising and design companies. 

Eventually I got fed up with TV land (yes you can) and resigned my contract. One day I wrote a poem and doodled an illustration and send it to Next Magazine with a note saying that I saw they didn't have a regular verse column and this would be a good idea. The editor took it up and this became an 8 year monthly column.  At this time I also started entering the World of Wearable Art.

In this time we moved to Wellington, I wrote a junior fiction novel (Verity's Truth), moved to Bristol for 2 years and moved back to Wellington where upon I did a Masters in Creative writing at the IIML. As part of my work placement requirement I did a stint at Weta working on Jane and The Dragon coming up with storyline ideas. Then I decided on my bucket list was working on making things, so politely campaigned  Richard Taylor with my Wearable Art portfolio until he gave me a job in the workshop on The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. I sewed metres of fabric and riveted things and drank a heap of coffee. In this period of my career, I wrote and had a two more junior fiction novels published with Scholastic, Janie Olive and Glory.

Film work is exhausting and I left to write another novel and illustrate more books. Then I was asked to come and talk about wearable arts on The Good Morning Show and do a craft demo. This led into 6 years of weekly spots; fantastic stuff. In the past few years, I've worked on The Hobbit as a costume illustrator, had garments in every WOW show (since 1995) - WOW have toured me around the countryside to give inspirational talks to designers, I've run workshops at schools and festivals, illustrated more books- the last two in particular I'm really proud of; The Red Poppy by David Hill and Far Far From Home by Elizabeth Pulford.

I'm nowhere near rich, I probably never will be. But I'm a little bit famous and I will never die wondering. I have a ridiculously diverse portfolio and CV which has made me unemployable in the ordinary world. And that's o.k, because being creative isn't an ordinary thing to be.I've found being blown off course each time I set sail, one can transform from  a mere deck hand into an adventurer. In literature: reading, writing, poetry, blogging. In commercial art and illustration. In costume design and props making, in film, television and radio. In teaching and handing on the knowledge you've gained to new, young explorers in the worlds ocean. 

In Wearable Wonders, my new book, all my past creative experience comes together. It is a safe ship. I hope to interrupt linear navigation and have young people set sail, following their hearts, not the map drawn up by others. To find courage in the stormy seas and serenity in the calm waters of a creative life. 

­­

Listen to Kate Di Goldi's review of it here :)

Baby Blues

I've been down in my cups lately; a combination of factors in our household. I can most often get through all the hurdles by doing the thing that keeps me sane. Writing, drawing and making things. Happy and bouncy with a million things on the go and juggling them all with heart racing and eyes gleaming at the challenge, my days are always too short. I fear that I will die before I get to finish all the things I want to do in life; and the women in my family live a long time- so my demise isn't imminent. But right now I can't get motivated at all and I sit staring out the window feeling blue.

Surrounded by writery and illustratory friends last night over a pot luck dinner (after Melinda Syzmanik's book launch of 'A Winter's Day in 1939' which you MUST buy for your kids and then read it yourself) I realised why I have felt so deflated and unable to build enthusiasm for my next project. Creating a book is a very visceral thing. You pull out everything from your heart and soul and pour it in; there is hard work, self doubt, more hard work and more self doubt. You get it done and send it off and wonder if this baby will grow to be a good and useful member of society or be the victim of cot death before it has a chance to focus and smile. Writer friends understand this. They know that being a creative is not necessarily a happy, rose filled vocation. We are driven; and sometimes that sends us a little bananas. Luckily we all sit in same fruit bowl.

The latest book which is now off to print took me 5 months all through spring and summer. A shortish gestation really but is the culmination of years of my art practice. It's the sharing of 80% of everything I know to date- the other 20% is too advanced for the age level of the intended readers. But it took 100% of my effort; gathering resource, writing, illustrating, creating, photography, digital work and revisions. My head feels empty now- like I've transferred the contents of my hard drive to a cloud and lost the password.

I'm worn out after the labour and still in a tired haze. I did too much too soon after giving birth and possibly have a little post natal depression. I'm going to cut myself a little slack and scale back on getting back to work in a hurry. The book is due in July by which time I'll be full of motherly love for it and proudly show it off everywhere.  I've named it already; 'Wearable Wonders.' I hope it's a good baby.

PS

The  illustration is from a poem I wrote for Next magazine when I had my regular column there some years ago. It's called Cry Baby.

Yes, hello there Doctor,

Have you got a moment free?

(Oh God I need to see you,

Please spare some time for me).

Well, it's really for my baby,

He's crying quite alot,

(He screams all day and night

And I'm about to lose the plot).

The grizzling's fairly steady,

I was wondering, is it ears?

(Mine are fairly ringing

And I'm constantly in tears).

 Is there something I could give him

To help him settle more?

(Like a massive dose of morphine,

Or is that against the law?).

Yes, I know it might be teething,

But I just can't get him down,

(And if I don't get some sleep soon,

I'll go screaming round the town).

O.K, I'll try and rest, thanks,

Yes, it might just do the trick,

And thanks for your advice to me,

(What a useless #@*!&)